Moving Forward

For the first time in 6 weeks, I’m actually editing further in the story. Last night I began chapter 27.

Part of the heavy-duty editing (and the biggest reason for this rewrite) is to make everything, but especially the beginnings of chapters and sections, more immediate and interesting. So, instead of having a character “tell” what is happening, the words should flow such that the reader feels it is happening to them.
It’s something I’m still learning and working on. 🙂

For example, this is the original beginning of chapter 27:

When I came to, it took a couple of minutes for me to get my bearings again. Something felt wrong inside, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was stretched out on my stomach on the Stone Altar with a pillow under my head and one hand resting in the opening to the Core of Fire. Tobin was intensely massaging my leg, and I was grateful that the heat from the Core dulled the pain he was inflicting.

“How do you feel?” he asked, not looking up from his work.

I flexed and moved every part of me until I made certain that I was fully healed. “Aside from what you’re doing, I feel pretty good.”

“You’ll thank me later when you don’t get a charley horse.”

“I’ll thank you now; I hate those.”

And this is what I changed it to:

Sudden excruciating pain in my calf made me cry out. Charley horse. I grabbed my leg.

Warmth and tingling spread through me. “Relax. I’ve got it.” Tobin gently pushed my hand away then squeezed and massaged my muscles. “Not how I’d have chosen to wake you, but welcome back to consciousness.”

As the cramp eased, I opened my eyes to the dim light of the chapel and found myself face-down on the altar, a pillow under my cheek. I still wore my training outfit, but he’d changed. I frowned at his robes. “How long have I been out?”

“It’s after dark.”

At least it was still the same day. Had Vincent returned? I couldn’t feel him, but that didn’t worry me after his surprise the night before.

Tobin worked his thumbs around my calf muscle. “Other than this, how do you feel?”

At the same time, my husband and I are still working through the list of overused words in chapters 1-26. Last night we covered “sudden/suddenly” and “up”. We went through 474 uses of “up” and deleted 70 of them. Every little bit helps.


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