I’ll Get By With a Little Help From My…

There are days I almost make it. I can almost smile and believe life is going well. Then out of the blue I’m reminded of who and what I am.

A close relative texted, basically told me to take some time, call a girl-friend and get a massage or my nails done, etc. Cuz, you know, that’s what women do. Along with drinking wine or shoe-shopping together, I guess. *eye roll*

I own five pairs of shoes, and three of them are backups for when my sneakers or sandals wear out.

I’ve gotten my nails done once in the last five years because someone insisted I accompany them for a bday spa day (their bday). It was my first massage, too. The whole experience was hell. Then the gel nail color looked bad within a week because of how much I have to wash my hands.

It’s been over a year and a half since I got a haircut–a fix for a cut I’d tried to get sometime before that. Shoot, I can’t remember the last time I even had a chance to shower–week or so ago? *shrug*

As for that friend I should call?

Wrote me off almost two years ago along with everyone else. No one needed my negative life messing up theirs. That was made abundantly clear over and over as doors slammed in my face.

So thanks, relative, for the stress and the reminder of how screwed I am as a singular being.

My job is to take care of my husband and get him through this latest crisis. It’s been that way for many years, as I was shown over and over that my worth is only tied to what I do for him. Any concern about me is wrapped up in whether I’m there taking care of things.

There is nothing else.


I Must Keep My World Small

It happens without warning, and yet it’s been often enough that I should be able to recognize it before it starts. That damned knowledge that there is a larger life out there.

That realization leads to nothing but pain.

My world revolves around getting my husband and two cats fed and through the day. It’s a wonderful existence when it’s all I concentrate on, when I don’t think about the outside. Though my closest link to that larger reality is going to the grocery store or local department store, I’m usually disassociated enough that I can skate there and back with my sanity intact.

But it’s when that reality intrudes that problems crop up. (And, unfortunately, we can’t say no, or stop it when it happens.)

Recently had two separate visits from a small part of my husband’s extended family. We went out for a few meals and even some sight-seeing.

But the conversations left me deeply depressed for weeks.

And despite being told that the visit was “eye-opening” for them about what we deal with on a daily basis, there’s not a “checking up on you” or seeing how we’re doing after they leave (which means life has snapped back into its previsit normality).

I’m not complaining. There are benefits to being a forgotten one. Personally, I’ve learned to love being invisible.

But my husband needs people. Mentally and physically. He can’t get into his chair without another person helping me, so he is bedridden. And going crazy.

Sometimes, we have someone (usually his mom, rarely a distant friend) come help. Those are stressful days of trying to fit in what’s needed before we lose the help again.

I don’t remember what life was before these years. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful that I can entertain myself without needing other people—because they aren’t there anyway.

But my husband is not so lucky.

So for him, I hurt when I see that he’s a forgotten one. It’s not fair to him.

Then there are the months it’s just the two of us and the cats, and life progresses in it’s own puttering way. If we could just keep it that small, we’d be able to make do and be fine until the last breath.

An Introvert’s Guide for Dropping by Unannounced


Bits of Calm

Currently listening to an album of chilled-out versions of some songs popular in the 70s and 80s—though it’s kinda funny when the original was already a chill song, like Tubular Bells lol

…or Mammagamma. Just how in the world did I miss that one back in the day?! It would have been right up my alley.

I’m listening to the Underworld Remix, but it’s very similar to the original. Perfect driving tune.

Regardless, it’s good that music is back in my life…without the need to blast it at ear-splitting levels while trying to drown out my thoughts (which never works, btw).

For our last anniversary, my husband got me one album for every year we’ve been married. I might get to listen to all the songs before my 90th bday.

Did I mention that the type of music I like lends itself to compilations of multiple cds? One of them has six.
Yeah, his love is so strong, he counted that as one. *sigh* l’amour

He did awesome, too. I’ve only been able to get through three individual cds because I keep hitting repeat on most of the songs. =)

Things have felt calm lately (at least if we don’t think about political news), even though stuff is actually happening. Our grass is dying an unnatural death in anticipation of bringing some of the “greener on the other side” our way, and the cat will have more surgery this week.

But at the moment, fortified with Barnie’s Santa’s White Christmas brew, life is good. Right kitty?

Decorated Navy Seal Hero Needs Your Help

SOC Eddie Gallagher and his youngest son

After eight tours of duty (six as an elite special forces operator serving on the front lines of combat), his own government would deal the worst blow to Special Operations Chief Eddie Gallagher.

In June of 2018, NCIS kept him in custody while executing a search warrant at his house, waiting until his wife had left for work. They dragged 2 of his kids into their front yard in their underwear and held them at gunpoint–the youngest being about 8 or 9.

These actions are NOT allowed even towards terrorists and their families.

The charges against Chief Gallagher are serious, and they are false. His family needs your help for his defense and their survival.

How you can help:

Regardless of your political affiliations or opinions, these abuses of power should never be tolerated against American citizens, least of all children. Please contact your representatives and let them know about this.

If you wish to donate, the Navy Seals Fund is helping with Chief Eddie and his family.

For news and more, his family maintains the website: Justice for Eddie.

The Navy Times also has several articles as they follow the case.

Eddie’s brother, Sean, in a recent interview (Sat Nov 24, 2018).


All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

It’s Not Going to be Okay

The take away of most stories is that everything will turn out as it’s meant to in the end, that everything will be fine if you just keep believing.

But real life isn’t fiction, and there comes a point when you realize that no matter how much faith you have, things aren’t going to turn out all right. Things happen that are irrevocable and devastating.

Last night, I witnessed death for the first time. I’ve lost family members before and been in the room when the decision was made to put down at least 6 beautiful pets.

But last night, I watched one breathe her last. And it was hell.

These are images that will never leave my memory; especially because she didn’t deserve any of it.

The saying is that when it rains, it pours. If that’s true, then my husband and I have been in a hurricane for the past 2½ years. And the hits just won’t stop.

We are alone. We have been for a while as people got wrapped up in their own lives and either cut us off or put too much distance between us to recover.

Things aren’t going to be okay. It’s not a question of if, but when.

Because I Apparently Need Coffee to be Happy

Finally got my first Keurig.

But years of not being a coffee drinker are hard to overcome, I guess. 😉


Fidelity’s Game Changer

Investing doesn’t need to be scary.

It can be intimidating, sure. Especially to first-time or small-time investors. Where should I invest? How much? and especially: I’m living paycheck to paycheck. How do you expect me to save up the minimums to even open an account?

Now, Fidelity has answered that last one with, “You don’t have to.”

This opens investing to virtually everyone.

Starting now there are no minimum balances required to open a Fidelity brokerage account.

And on Friday, Aug 3, they will begin offering two index funds with ZERO minimums or fees. That means that, other than taxes, the gains are yours.

This eliminates the $1000-$3000 required by other brokerage firms like Vanguard, and the account fees charged by small investment options like Acorns. (Seriously, that $1/mo fee adds up. Why not pay it to yourself instead?)

So, what are you waiting for? Set up an account and start funneling the $5 or just the small change that you find in the couch cushions into a place where it will earn money for you. Your future self will thank you.

Could This New App Save Lives?

At what point do you know it’s time to ask for help?

Who do you call? What do you say? Especially when it’s 3 AM and everyone else has a job or a life…

You might not make the call to the suicide hotline, but what if the simple push of a button could bring a compassionate text, voice, or even a hug from someone who knows and loves you? Would you do it?

Would it be worth the $2.99/mo?

The new NotOK app hopes to keep users from suffering in silence. It takes the hard work out of that 3AM text (that often gets deleted rather than sent) and makes it simple for those who need help. Not doing ok? Need help physically, emotionally? Simply press the button and your predetermined, trusted contacts are notified (up to 5).

I have no answers on how this compares to other apps in terms of ease of use, or price. It just brings up conflicting emotions in me.

On the one hand, I think it’s great—especially for those with a physical ailment who might need assistance that isn’t worth calling 911 for. But often when depression is overwhelming, sufferers don’t want to bother others with their problems.

(What if you say you aren’t okay, but none of your contacts can help right then? What if you use the crap out of it because you’re having a reeeallly hard time and then someone decides you’re toxic to their well-being?)

Still, it might keep things from spiraling out of control. I wonder how many people who’ve committed suicide might’ve lived had they had a friendly voice a button push away. They might not call or even text, but push a button? Much more likely.

Please, if you or someone you know could use this, don’t hesitate!